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nicholas told me some jokes and i think i should share with everyone !
[ p.s. some may have vulrgarities in it .. so pardon me .. ]
[ oh and .. please dont get offended after reading ! ] Let's Start at the Beginning...
What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..."
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
One day, our beloved Senior Minister went to America for a meeting with Bill "Sex Maniac" Clinton. After the meeting, SM Lee approached Bill and asked:
SM Lee: Bill, let me ask you a question.
Bill: About sex?
SM Lee: No, lah! How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
Bill: Don’t know.
SM Lee: You open the door, shove the giraffe in, then you close it. Now let me ask you another question…how do you add an elephant into the fridge if you can only put one animal in it?
Bill: Open the door, shove the elephant in, and close the door.
SM Lee: No! You open the door, take the giraffe out, then shove the elephant in and close it. Now, if you were on a plane and it was going to crash because it was overloaded, what should you throw out? A VCR, A fridge, or 10 bags that were heavier than the other two added together?
Bill: I should throw myself.
Lee Kuan Yew: Got no parachute, lah!
Bill: Then of course the 10 bags lah!
Lee Kuan Yew: Wrong! The fridge. Because the fridge itself is lighter than the 10 bags but there is an elephant in it...goondu! Now, last one... there was this very beautiful princess by the name of Monica. One day, a witch cast a spell on her. Now anyone who was 100 meters away would die. Then this prince by the name of Bill
decided to be a hero and save her. Actually he wanted to have sex with her later. But he died 300 meters away. Why?
Bill: Don't know.
Lee Kuan Yew: Because you throw the fridge on him, mah!
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"
There were four buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"
One day Ramli was looking to buy a television. (Let's say he couldn't try Courts because he got banned for being unable to continue his installment payments a tad too often.) So he tried this neighbourhood department store that sold a wide range of electrical appliances. Not knowing that the store was prejudiced against Mats, he went in and looked around.
When he finally found what he was looking for, he went up to the sales assistant and asked, "Eh brudder, how much this TV, ah?"
The sales assistant gave him a disgusted look and proclaimed, "Get out of this store, we don't provide service to low-life mats. Fuck off!"
Ramli was very sad, but he was determined to get his TV. So, fortunately for him, he had this make-up artist friend who could do wonders. Ramli was thus disguised as a Chinese, and very well too. It was like a total transformation took place. Even his own mother couldn't recognise him.
So off he went, back to the store, this time just wandering around casually, taking his time until the Sales Assistant came up to him and said, "Good afternoon, sir, may I help you with anything?"
Ramli, in his most distinguished manner, replied, "Yes please, I would like to know, this televisen how much?"
The sales assistant squinted and stared at Ramli for a few seconds, then exclaimed," Look, you stupid cock, I told you once and I'm telling you again that we don't serve people like you so why don't you just fuck off and don't ever come back!"
Ramli was shocked that the salesperson was able to recognise him when even his own mother almost chased him away thinking he was a stranger.
"Eh! how you know I who? My disguise gerek what, how come you still know?" asked the shocked Ramli.
The sales assistant looked at him disgustedly and said," Because, you bodoh, that's a microwave oven."
One day, our beloved Senior Minister went to Thailand and had lobster for dinner with the Thai King. After SM had finished, he asked the King....
SM: Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster shell?
King : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw it away.
SM: Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce prawn crackers.
Then SM had an orange. After he had finished, he asked the King.
SM: What can you do with the orange skin?
King : We cannot do anything. We just throw it away.
SM: Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce orange jam.
Then SM asked for some chewing gum. After he had finished, he put it on the plate and asked the King.
SM: What can you do with the chewing gum?
King: Oh, no. We just throw it away.
SM: In Singapore, we send it to the factory to produce condoms and then send it to Thailand.
SM was about to leave but then the King asked him...
King: What do you do with the condom when you finish using it?
SM: We cannot do anything. We just throw it away.
King: In Thailand, when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and then send it back to Singapore!!!
And that is the reason why chewing gum is banned in Singapore.
Do you know why Singaporeans dial 995 in the event of fire? Well, this dates back to when Devan Nair was still President. One day, he was sitting alone in his study at the Istana drinking his tea, when a huge commotion breaks out in the kitchen.
He hears a scream and sees his wife running out of the kitchen amidst licking flames and billowing smoke. She looks hysterically at Devan Nair and shouts, "Nair, Nair, Fire!"
Overheard in an English class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)"
The teacher fainted.
Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"
"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".
Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"
Ah Beng got the job.
Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:
The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."
The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"
30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.
Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"
Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "
The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)
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